Wednesday, March 20, 2013

American Jesus Madness -- My Round-Two Picks

The first round of American Jesus Madness is history, and my picks have me in a four-way tie for first place among the bracket leaders.  Our domination of this first round (14 out of 16 is 87.5%) is only surpassed by the beatdown The Next Pope gave to Pope XVI (92% to 8%).  And our knowledge of American Jesus Madness is even greater than Christian Humility's victory over Mark Driscoll, a mere 78% over Mark Driscoll's 22% (which is still an ass-kicking).

As for the two I got wrong, one was a squeaker and one was a blowout.  Joel Osteen's Mullet, which must die(!), edged out Joel Osteen's Smile 53-47, but Stephanie Drury annihilated Tony Jones 86-14.

My Second-Round Picks

Tim Tebow vs. #RickWarrenTips

I like funny, and Tebow is never intentionally funny.  On the other hand, take my #RickWarrenTips, please.  Okay, they're funnier than that, so vote for them.  Just like sirloin tips, #RickWarrenTips are best served with a nice, brown gravy.  Still not funny?  Take my word for it, #RickWarrenTips' jokes are a huge upgrade to mine.

Scot McKnight vs. The Next Pope

When the bracket first came out, nobody knew who The Next Pope would be.  When I filled out my bracket, The Next Pope had been named, but I didn't know much about him.  Now there's been lots of coverage, and I'm starting to wish I had The Next Pope to beat Scot McKnight.  But I don't, and I'm nothing if not loyal... to my previous self.  So I predict that McKnight will overcome all this media hype and beat The Next Pope (who shall not be named).

Joel Osteen's Mullet vs. Christian Humility

The mullet is vainglorious and must be humbly smitten by the humblest humility there is, Christian Humility.

"DJesus Uncrossed" vs. Mark Sandlin

Mark complained that my vote in Round One wasn't confident enough, then he offered me alcohol.  DJesus, on the other hand, promised he wouldn't djrink of the fruit of the vine (corn comes from a vine, right?) until we djrink it together in the kingdom.  Followers of DJesus have been saying for centuries the kingdom is near, the kingdom is at hand, but the kingdom never quite arrives.  I'm pretty sure I'll be in Greensboro before DJesus comes into his kingdom.  Here's my vote of confidence for Mark Sandlin.

Rachel Held Evans vs. Peter Enns

Enns, who must have had an inside track with the Creator, didn't sweat Round One, instead jumped straight to Round Two by exclaiming, "What, I have to go head to head with Rachel Held Evans (assuming I get past Ken Ham)?"  He's right.  RHE is a juggernaut, rolling over all comers -- Lifeway Christian Stores, Biblical Womanhood, and now Peter Enns.  Sorry, Peter, gotta call it like I see.  Evans for the win.

Chick-Fil-A vs. Rob Bell's Missing Glasses

I feel so dirty that I had to vote for either Hobby Lobby or Chick-Fil-A that I desperately need to redeem myself by projecting Chick-Fil-A (a person, according to the Supreme Court, a loathesome, loathesome person) to lose to an inanimate object.    Glasses it is.... er, Glasses it are.... er, Glasses they are....  Vote for Glasses.

Homebrewed Christianity vs. Ann Voskamp

In my first-round picks, I commented on the horrible music on Voskamp's web site.  Listen to the opening music on this episode of Homebrewed Christianity.  Ugh, wait. Try this one.  Can barely hear that one.  Anyway, surely there's some good music in a podcast that has a recurring Theology of Rock theme.....  Still hunting.  Just vote for them while I find good tune-age on one of their episodes.

Christian Decency vs. Stephanie Drury

I underestimated Drury in Round One, which I am not going to do in Round Two.  I predict there will be nothing decent about the way Stephanie Drury treats Christian Decency.  She will trounce it like she was Reese Witherspoon in Pleasantville.

So go vote.  There are only a few hours left.

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